To My First Love…

To,
My first love (also the first person to break my heart),

There are days when a series of flashbacks run through my mind reminding me of a person who promised me to hold my hand forever and dry my tears always. But now, you are gone. I think of you everyday and miss you more than anything. I can’t even count the amount of times I cried myself to sleep. Neither did you give me a chance to bid you a goodbye nor did I ask for the last kiss of my share.
I now love the darkness for it shows me the brightest star which assures me that you are happy and watching me from the door of heaven.

Love, A daughter whose tears now dry on their own.

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The Things You Keep

In that obscure corner of your heart I’ll lie;
Still, numb and barely making a sound.
And when you’ll happen to sink down the rushing black bile,
My stealthy footsteps will echo down your bones and power lines.

Your gaze will wander throughout the corners of your room,
A pair of coffee mugs kept on the shelf will make you smile.
A stolid indifferent will pick up the wallet lying on the table, An old movie ticket inside will leave him a buoyant jaunty figure.

You’ll stroll around the bookshelf of yours,
Dried roses falling out from the pages of a book will make you smile.
And when you’ll turn around to pick them up, Your eyes will muse on an old photograph pinned at the rear of your door.

And when your bones and power lines will seem to ascend above the rushing black bile,
With the same stealthy footsteps I’ll return to that obscure corner of your heart,
There I’ll lie;
Still, numb and barely making a sound.

Inside Us

Aren’t we all a bird that strayed,

Leaving its feathers on the perches it laid.

Waiting for someone to follow the trail,

And collar the soul, set ablaze.

Aren’t we all a bird trapped in a cage,

behind the bars of misery and fate.

Despite the wings clipped and lamed,

Longing to glide aloft the distant crest.

Despite our life thrown in throes,

Clenching firm to our veins and bones,

The bird inside us shall intone.

A Girl Peeping In

Last night was not much different than the other nights;

There on the floor laid my forlorn figure.
A pack of cigarettes clinging to one hand, and a ringing phone to the other.
Leaving the teardrops curtail, faint melancholic air flew over.

Door of my room was ajar, I saw a girl peeping in. She was around twenty, hair dark and curly, wrapped in a blush pink coloured dress. Her eyes were a perfect spring sky, but it wasn’t the colour of her eyes that was so stunning; as what was inside them. It seemed as if she had her own sky inside them. Lying on the floor, I was completely absorbed in looking for something that lit her eyes and softened her features. When I came back to my senses, I was dazed by this formless wool-gathering. Was it a mere delusion, a hallucination? But what if it wasn’t?
I quickly bestirred from the floor and rushed to the door but no one was at the rear. I then hurried to the living room, to the kitchen room and to the balcony too but found no one. I looked behind the curtains, outside the windows, inside the cupboards and glanced below the beds too, only to find out that I was high on drugs. Disheartened, I returned to my room. Picked up the cigarette pack lying on the floor and got myself one. Inhaling the cigarette, I hung up the ringing phone. I was about to keep it on the table when l saw her…again, standing just 2 feets away from me.

“I am here to talk to you. What’s happening to you? Is anything wrong? Why do you always seem to have those dark circles around your eyes? Where’s the smile on your face has gone? Where’s the girl you used to be gone? I know this is not just the sadness, there’s something else too, that I need to know.”

Though I wasn’t sure what to tell her, I had much on my mind. Though I wasn’t sure if she’ll be able to understand me, I had no one else to talk to. It took me quite 5 minutes to start speaking, “All of a sudden I feel empty. I think this emptiness is already present within me throughout but something triggers the same and I start feeling the numbness. Is it because I left pieces of myself in everything I used to love that I become so empty? It’s like everyone around me is draining me for everything I have. This numbness then throws me off in low spirits. I feel like running away from everyone I know and from everyone who knows me. I’m scared to know that how willing I’m to leave everything I have and everyone I know. I tend to think of something that happened 3 years ago or something that happened 2 hours ago or something that could happen 5 years from now on. Crying had always been a healthy release, but for me crying myself to sleep is a habit now and when I wake up it’s just another day I suppress my tears and pain for. All I can do is hold back the tears, fake a smile, pretend that I’m ok and move on with another day.”

I rambled on about my feelings but she was standing there numb and her eyes wide shut. I thought the talk made things worse. I was mad at myself for telling her. I should have known she wouldn’t understand. I wished I could have taken it all back.

I thought I pushed her in a trance but just then, she started speaking. Her azure eyes stared into my gloomy eyes and I became oblivious to the surroundings.

“Now, every cell of your vexed brain is gonna tell you that this is absurd and inane but trust me, there’s beauty for you ahead. I know you are having a tough time but there’re time zones which heal just with the passing time. You might feel invisible because of those thick walls around you but they’re there to protect you. When you wish you didn’t ever have to wake up ask yourself that how’d you ever got so far; that too in a world full troubles and people eagerly waiting for a chance to knock you down. ‘Hope’ my dear! Hope is a distant star shining bright in the darkest sky. It can’t drive off the darkness but it can make you believe there’re millions of such stars somewhere and all you have to do is find that ‘somewhere’. You have every reason to live and you’ll soon believe that your life’s worth living. Life’s gonna get much busier and noisier but better than you ever imagined, for sure. We all need to know that we are worthy of love and I promise you that you are. Suffering from depression is like stucking in the middle of the ocean; there’s nothing to catch or hold on to and there’s no rescuing idea in your mind. Your mind and body might get used to the darker darkness and the sharper pain because it follows you around like a dark shadow. I know you’ll be fine and things’ll work themselves out, you just need to pull yourself together.

You must fight until the warmth and the light returns.

You must fight until you learn the self love.

You must fight until your heart learns to love the sound of happiness,

You must fight until you win.”

Her voice was like a ray of light in a room full of dark. The warmth of the smoke drained out of my lungs as fast as an extinguishing campfire and inspired me more than ever. Unconsciously, I moved a few steps ahead and lifted my hand forwards to touch her but I couldn’t because a firm, clear, flat piece of glass, reflecting light was separating us.